This is not so good considering the players: a deeply unhappy client who lies and thinks that imagined conversations are statements of work,  a colleague who had major surgery about a week ago and a programmer who likes things in a very specific way. Luckily CC, Timo, WaWa and El the Legend are intervening. My respect and love for these people grow daily.

I know I seem about as admirable and heroic as a piece of yellow belly fur of the Wuss species found in Cowardia very far south of Bravery but yesterday snapped me like a twig. At some point my tear plumbing broke and I had little salty pools of cooling fear in my ears. I tried not to sob but whenever he brought the drill near me and that sound of the misery of a thousand wailing Nazi orphans hit my nerves, I wept. I was terrified and I walked out shaking like someone had assaulted me. The last time I felt as invaded and broken, I really had been.

And I get to go back. Yippee… In the mean time I am still in agony and am living on painkillers and alcohol. Kinda helping the diet so that rules.

I will stop whining soon I promise.

1. Word of the day: intemperance

2. Insight of the day: If you find a team that really makes you understand why people rave about “synergy ” make sure they know how awesome they are to you. Who knew teamwork could be so amazing.

3. State of the pool:  Shameful, self pitying saline

4. Random thought: Not so random. John Mayer – Why Georgia. JM is better than Naproxen Sodium and that is saying something.

5. Awesomest lines: Perfect Guy sent me this on Sunday. Don’t know who/where it is from:

“…That is the extent of what I want now. To stand out in the open and look up at the immense blue sky above me, to gaze at the howling infinite once last time…”

6.  Scripture lines: I was at Perfect Guy’s baptism on Sunday and it was unbelievably moving. Made me realise once again that I am not living it right. Grace is so powerful and so easy to confuse. I was driving in the car and stunned because I know that I don’t deserve such love.

Romans 10 (New Living Translation): ⁹ If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ¹⁰ For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved.

*True pain is almost always partnered with some form of violence whether it be on a cellular level like cancer or neuralgia or somatic like broken bones and being shot etc.

**I leave. El the Legend calls it “disengaging”. My exes call it “abandonment”. So if  I stop arguing know that my bags are probably already in the idling car.

©2012 YGM. All Rights Reserved.

I’ve already lost an 8th of my teeth because of exactly this. And yet, notwithstanding the 1. constant looping nightmares of spitting out my smile in calcium grit and 2. pain so intense I weep like a little kid who wishes the needles of fire would please leave her jaw muscles,  I do not make the appointment.

Do you know what it is to have fear be so real and so tangible that it feels as if fingers of menacing ice has gotten hold of your solar plexus and is squeezing just to watch you helplessly gasp? Just the thought of that drilled bone smell, antiseptic metal horror…or feeling the cold invasion of a needle scraping against your cheekbone…oh gods…I would rather have the tooth pulled and live on soup for the rest of time than face the fact that I have an abscess and need a root canal and heaven only knows how much more work…/shudder.

I’m convinced dentists must be the nicest people on earth. Who else could handle knowing that someone is so utterly at their mercy and yet be kind?**

For now, I will continue in a haze of medication and dull, throbbing pain. So if I walk into you and then apologise to the chair you are sitting on; just nod and give me some more Codeine.

1. Word of the day: odontophobia

2. Insight of the day: I’m a fool and will soon be a toothless hag

3. State of the pool:  Sluggish, pulsing blood and saliva

4. Random thought: How come they can’t make a more marshmellowy cotton than those Kalahari dry mouth tampon things dentists use?

5. Awesomest lines: It’s been a while but here is Emma

[azure]
your memory
emphasize the empty
space, where images
used to hover between
the tangible and the imaginary

in quiet distress
I wait for the solace of
finding magic instead
of frailty, and one word
answers to a line of thoughts

like a blank canvas

awaiting the stroke of

coloured paint, your words

tame the white spaces into

breathing pieces of being

© emma

6. Scripture line: Oh man. How lost we would be without the Psalms.

Ps 91: ⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

Ps 27: ³ Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.

*I think any true dictator is a dentist gone bad. They get so used to eyes brimming with fearful tears, limbs shaking with terror and pathetic whimpering that they get addicted. I’m sure Pol Pot harboured secret endodontic fantasies and since Korea is hardly a haven for veneer seekers, he had to settle for mass murder by blunt things like bullets, rape and fire.

**Except for the military bastard who started this horror in my soul. I should have had my wisdom teeth extracted while blissfully unaware but that…man…thought it better for me to be awake and have my agony be witnessed by 6 dental students. Perhaps if he made the effort to ensure that the 3 injections he gave me were sufficient I would not still be traumatised. There are very few sounds as disconcerting and sanity-snapping as hearing, and feeling, your teeth being broken out of your jaw. Also quite fun when your chair tips as that…man…braces against it for better grip.

©2012 YGM. All Rights Reserved.