YGM » Joy

Of an impending summer weekend

Feylian — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 13:14:21 +0000

This is just yours truly rambling because it is far too beautiful a day for work (that I have quite a lot of but am rebelling). I’m sitting next to an open window and the sunlight is inching onto my lily white self and fanning the tendrils of hair that escaped from the far-too-lazy-to-comb-let’s-make-a-sloppy-ponytail-instead hairdo.

I have the attention span of an ADHD gnat on smack. All I want to do is revel. I want to take big gulps of love/air, I want to be swollen with joy and beauty. I want to forget about anything but having my fingers swim through the air, away from here. I want to feel the heat and sweat of justice and to have those cells happily bounce because there is no moment better than this. No regrets of yesterday, no what ifs of tomorrow. Just maple syrup sunlight, top lip beads of sweat, braai smoke and chilled wine under The Wisteria Purple Patio.

I want to be moved by incendiary guitarists like Jimi & John Mayer (but of course). I want to feel CC‘s (Felix Laband Whistling in tongues, Juno Reactor Conquistador Part 1) music goosebump my entire being. I want the notes of Hans Zimmer’s Elysium and Now we are free to soak into my muscle filaments and untangle the mess of too much Dell 610.

I want witty banter and lazy sauntering. I want to walk arm in arm and plait honeysuckle into my hair. I want to laugh so hard I crack a rib. I want to trace the skin of your wrist and watch you shudder with pleasure. I want to lie on the trampoline and feel half of me bake. I want to hear MM beautiful belly laugh and Rambo‘s deep voice caressing terse sentences. I want to say goodbye to my friend who is not even going all that far and see the bittersweet joy this will have him feel. I want to never forget this day or this weekend or this frame of my life.

I love my life, as you should yours.

1. Word of the frame: reverberate (The Sage: 5. ring or echo with sound, 6. have a long or continuing effect)

2. Insight of the frame: Being able to express exactly how you are feeling is like a first kiss.

3. State of the pool: gin and tonic

4. Joy of the frame: I will probably get all I want /grin

5. Awesomest lines: I freaking adore this woman. Yours and mine – Elsa Volschenk

My heart is humming to it
my mind dancing to it
my dreams chasing it

Your heart is closed to it
your mind unaware of it
your dreams untouched by it

Our worlds collide into it
but it’s different -
while bursting in my soul
it’s resting in yours.

Of breathing and focus

Feylian — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 11:00:45 +0000

Perhaps once you had a ‘thing’ in your life where you found silence, peace and the true reminder of what it is to be alive. For me, it was small calibre shooting. .22 ftw. When I was there, I didn’t take it seriously. Oh, I got colours, but that was because for some ridiculous reason, I had inherent talent. Heaven knows it wasn’t because I applied myself. I was /BOUNCE in my every waking moment. Bams admitted to wanting to duct tape me and hide me in the bus on our SA’s in 1996. Bastard :) He had a point though. That was the only year that the North Transvaal team failed miserably. What can I say, I am a social lubricator and my Emma skills were WELL advanced even then.

How can I explain such joy? Yes, I was firing a rifle and for most of you the thought of such “violence” is abhorrent, but to us it was better than breathing. Actually it was breathing. Slow, oxygen rich blood mixed liberally with butterflies (flying in formation), teen angst and an atmosphere that you can only find on a small calibre range*. It was the closest to Zen our generation ever got. It was more than we knew. It was lying as still as you could for 4 x10 minutes at a time. And in those 10 minutes there was nothing but you, your rifle and the sweet waxy copper cartridge which meant single minded focus on getting it right. Getting it centre, getting a bull.

It makes us yearn even now. When life and sex and being grown ups has jaded us that focus, that drive, that achievement makes more sense than Kierkegaard or Kundera or e-tv.

I miss the confines of my jacket (which I stupidly sold…>.<) the belt around your arm anchoring your rifle to you and you to it. I miss the smell of gunpowder and that snick when the bolt engages the bullet…your entire purpose of being concentrated in just the tip of your finger…and then…oh and then, the ever so slight recoil and the knowledge of a good shot. Of aiming true and leaving barely a hole in the target. No lines crossed. When you have insinuated that tiny bullet through paper in exactly the place that makes your coach beam and blush with shared “look at that”.

1. Word of the day: redolent (The Sage: 3. serving to bring to mind)

2. Insight of the day: Tension headache + Voltaren = effortless writing

3. State of the pool: endless icy cold blue

4. Random thought:Very little tastes as good as being thin(ish) feels.

5. Awesomest lines: Canvas by Elsa Volschenk

Paint me our colour
with brush strokes that speak to you the words I do not utter.

Fill up all the white corners you’ve missed
and use up all the space to say it all.

But do not ask me to pick up a brush

My silence may belie my heart’s ache
but it will show my deepest love in bright red

This is the colour that I have chosen.

Soon it’ll change to green and I would have learnt to be without you

*Kleingeweer – Quiet, the smell of gun oil – a particularly non invasive and yet soul pervasive smell that to this day reminds me of innocence and doing something so well that all else fails – Highveld dust, a perculiar mix of sun soaked baking hot indolence and blue metal cold focus.

Of rediscovering old friends and blood sizzling joy

Feylian — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 11:43:00 +0000

I have no idea where to start. I am so incredibly happy that I feel like I breathe by expanding my lungs past my ribs and inhaling popping candy oxygen. I love my life. I do not deserve this blessing nor this blood sizzling joy. And no, I am not in love.

Factors contributing to said haemoglobin /bounce:

~ I love my job. I do. It has the odd icky bit but mostly it is wonderful. I believe in my company and our unique little snowflakeness. I love knowing that what we do make a difference in the world and though we may not be Google, we are on our way there.

~ I have my Dell (souped up Latitude D620). I know that it seems silly, and ownership is not my thing, but it is my first PC. The rest have been loans or gifts but this one is mine*.

~ Friends. Do you know what it is like to be in a feedback loop of got-your-back-love**? I have the great privilege of being allowed into the lives of the coolest people I have ever met. When lying on a trampoline while sunlight bakes you lazy and cold fresh baby-giggle-scented air wakes you and conversation sustains you, or witty gtalk banter that you wish you could show the world become meh, then life will be awful indeed.

~ Faith. Yes I know it makes most of you cringe and scoff but bear with me. Jesus died for me, washed me with His blood to save me from the wrath of the Almighty God. Me. The freaking oilspill, He washed clean. I can’t explain it and I won’t force it on you but I know it is true and it makes me so grateful that it brings me to my knees.

~ Maybe-love. /grin. “Vry is lekker en vry in die bondel die heel lekkerste”.

~ Rediscovering old friends. I told you about Bambi. How on earth do I try to sum up 14 years? Or last night’s +/- 4 hour conversation…the closest I can come: he and I are war buddies. I understand why men (or women in combat) can have a more honest and true connection with someone they spent 3 months with in a war zone and didn’t even particularly like vs their wives whom they’ve known and loved their whole lives. .. And we have the added bonus of being way back when maybe-loves. Our lives are irretrievably entangled and that is wonderful. Hearing his voice is like coming home.

1. Word of the day: panoptic (including everything visible in one view – Sequence Publishing’s The Sage)

2. Insight of the day: Saying “I love you” and “thank you” and meaning it, is not done enough.

3. State of the pool: Sweet home made ginger ale.

4. Random thought: How bruised can your legs be before it is uncool to wear a little dress?

the space you’ve specifically decided
should be assigned to me

show me the passion you’ve let grow for me

the garden patch of your heart’s desire
you believe will only bloom for me

show me the love you’ve saved for me

the commitment and the soul
you are willing to share with me

rehearse your part and i will mine
so that it may all seem like the perfect act
of show and tell

6. Scripture line: John 3:16 (New International Version)

¹⁶“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

*Full Metal Jacket rifle prayer

**John Mayer. He may be arrogant but he has a point. And he is a genius.