I am droolingly stupid and horrified. I just spent the past 2 hours watching DSTV and I am shaking and depressed. How can anyone watch television and not want to kill themselves? Not kidding. Not being overly dramatic…well.

No wonder our world is in the wtf state it is in. Good lord folks…Read. Please read? Hell, I will even be ok with you reading Die Son or Heat* or even Huisgenoot**.

Do NOT watch MTV’s The City. I watched about 7 minutes of beautiful people being extremely nasty to each other in P Diddy party look alike places. I kept glancing around me in the typical ass-porn watchers’ stance of please-dear-lord-let-no-one-I-know-catch-me-watching-this-filth. If that is not scripted I am a giant zucchini wearing a bowler hat.

And then I thought to turn to good ol’ sitcoms…Noooooooooo. Either tv became suicide-with-wet-meat-bad or the past year has rid me of the wish to turn my kingdom/mind into a stupid free zone (mostly). Even National Geographic*** had some insipid take on Nosferatu on. Nuh UH.

Anyway. Rant over. Now on to something restoring like Punch Drunk Love. Luckily pseudo intellectuals like moi can turn to Adam Sandler**** for sanity restoring entertainment.

* Sunstroke anyone? I am not going to develop this further because I am still reeling with the shock of nearly stabbing myself in the eyeballs with a salad fork in desperation. I’ve never wanted to be blinded and deaf so much in my life. And this includes the time I walked in on someone’s parents’ scenario which involved pleather and baby oil.

**/SHUDDER

*** Every geek’s safe house tv wise

****Laugh now. Think you get the irony. Then watch this movie or Reign over me. Yeah. We’ll talk while you weep with how good The Water Boy can be. Soul, go to your home.

I am watching Boer Soek ‘n Vrou and deary me, chewing foil would be more fun. The “probing” questions, the evasive Afrikaans farmer mustachioed, plaid shirt wearing, chino wielding bore meisters makes me seriously consider whacking my extremities on gangrene causing rusted ogiesdraad. /shudder

I’ve been trying to write to, and about, Him but I can’t find the words. I can’t even explain why I love him to Him. How do you write about something that is so good? Being with him is golden. I am at peace when he is around. But not the monkish-on-a-mountain-top-meditation kind of peace…the light becomes honey, my soul is lifted and my heart swirls adrenaline through all of me. To me, He is coming home. He is life, and joy and knowing that I want to be around Him and hear what he has to say every moment of the day. He is beautiful and kind. That feral, sweet smile breaks me every time. Which pretty much means your author is shattered Lego so often that should you be unfortunate enough to be around blocky bits of gory moi, you would be stumbling and muttering foul curses while clutching your (my or your blood?) sticky red toes.

I am happy :)…sickeningly so.

1. Word of the day:  substantive (The Sage: 3. being on topic and prompting thought)

2. Insight of the day: For the foreseeable future I am not cut out for management. I’ve lost my carefully cultivated corporate cool and will have to rebuild it before I can run our company.

3. State of the pool: Clear anise flavoured liquor headily swishing.

4. Joys of the day: 1. Concentrating because I feel the summer breeze and sunlight warms me. 2. Having D smile at me and imperiously and with a little tongue not yet used to hard consonants,  demand a sandwich.

5. Awesomest lines: Thank you MM. Pablo Neruda…get used to this. He will be featuring quite a lot :)

“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.”

6. Scripture line: Ephesians 3 – New International Version. Mind blowing stuff!

¹⁴For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵from whom his whole family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Just a quick note as I am swamped with overdue work. Writing keywords for a financial site is not as fascinating as you might think and therefore long avoided.

Being a woman, on the whole, is a great experience*. However, every now and again we get these days of morbid, warped self image where nothing about ponderous ankles are ok. Or where your fat skirt fits…/shudder.

Where all you want to do is wear holey sweatpants, glasses, tie your hair in a conditioner soaked knot** and read blanky books about people with swords and names like Aethor the Dark Elf. Oh and most importantly HIDE while wolfing down KFC and guzzling a litre or so of Chardonnay and contemplate liposuction with a cooldrink straw and an industrial vacuum cleaner. ***

If you were wondering, guys, what you can do about this: Nothing, really. He told me this morning how lovely he thinks I am and all I could think was how on earth I was going to suck in my continental gut so that he still likes me and does not send me to Fat Camp with the other butterballs.

/pat pat to all of you with girlfriends. Women are strange, strange creatures who will not believe you if you tell them you think they are beautiful just they way they are, but magnify the hell out of a sideways comment on another woman’s walk.

1. Word of the day: myocardial infarction (a heart attack). Dunno why it is stuck in my mind but I’ve been muttering it all day.

2. Insight of the day:  CC is leaving on Friday and that makes my shoulders slump so low that I can tickle my own feet without bending.

3. State of the pool: wobbly lime jelly

4. Joys of the day: 1. inching along Olifantsfontein and watching a lady snapping her fingers and jamming to what must have been an awesome album, 2. waking up to the knowledge that I will see His beautiful smile every day for the next week. 3. Trading witty banter with Krugaza-san

5. Awesomest lines: Jou skitterappel – Elsa Volschenk

ons is vallende sterre
wat soos lucifers
tussen aardse molekules
flikker omdat
swaartekrag ons
realiteit verwesenlik

maar vergewe my wat
as ‘n eva-appel
hoort aan my eie
Newtonboom
en nie weet van
vrye
val
nie

6. Scripture line: Philippians 1:9-10

“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ,”

*Not that I could compare but brief flights of fancy of wielding my own “sword” have convinced me of this.

**This is a scary thing to behold btw. You could use said knot to oil the dining room table.

***Which ironically, makes you feel infinitely worse about yourself and is on par with self flagellation. You then consider going the bulimic route but dismiss it as that would be admitting you binged. SIGH.

This is just yours truly rambling because it is far too beautiful a day for work (that I have quite a lot of but am rebelling). I’m sitting next to an open window and the sunlight is inching onto my lily white self and fanning the tendrils of hair that escaped from the far-too-lazy-to-comb-let’s-make-a-sloppy-ponytail-instead hairdo.

I have the attention span of an ADHD gnat on smack. All I want to do is revel. I want to take big gulps of love/air, I want to be swollen with joy and beauty. I want to forget about anything but having my fingers swim through the air, away from here. I want to feel the heat and sweat of justice and to have those cells happily bounce because there is no moment better than this. No regrets of yesterday, no what ifs of tomorrow. Just maple syrup sunlight, top lip beads of sweat, braai smoke and chilled wine under The Wisteria Purple Patio.

I want to be moved by incendiary guitarists like Jimi & John Mayer (but of course). I want to feel CC’s (Felix Laband Whistling in tongues,  Juno Reactor Conquistador Part 1) music goosebump my entire being. I want the notes of Hans Zimmer’s Elysium and Now we are free to soak into my muscle filaments and untangle the mess of too much Dell 610.

I want witty banter and lazy sauntering. I want to walk arm in arm and plait honeysuckle into my hair. I want to laugh so hard I crack a rib. I want to trace the skin of your wrist and watch you shudder with pleasure. I want to lie on the trampoline and feel half of me bake. I want to hear MM beautiful belly laugh and Rambo’s deep voice caressing terse sentences. I want to say goodbye to my friend who is not even going all that far and see the bittersweet joy this will have him feel. I want to never forget this day or this weekend or this frame of my life.

I love my life, as you should yours.

1. Word of the frame: reverberate (The Sage: 5. ring or echo with sound, 6. have a long or continuing effect)

2. Insight of the frame: Being able to express exactly how you are feeling is like a first kiss.

3. State of the pool: gin and tonic

4. Joy of the frame: I will probably get all I want /grin

5. Awesomest lines: I freaking adore this woman. Yours and mine – Elsa Volschenk

My heart is humming to it
my mind dancing to it
my dreams chasing it

Your heart is closed to it
your mind unaware of it
your dreams untouched by it

Our worlds collide into it
but it’s different -
while bursting in my soul
it’s resting in yours.

Sorry about the radio silence folks but I am 1. as previously mentioned in this post, the village idiot and 2. sans 3G which makes posting outside of the comfort and joy of the work place challenging. And be warned: the likelihood of this post being south of anything resembling erudition is very good*!

I’m addicted to Him. If I could mainline him I would. We were sitting in Brooklyn @ Col’Cacchio which has paper table coverings** so I started writing to him. The handwritten, public note ended with me saying that I wanted to swim in his blood…that gave me pause. But only a brief pause. Angie might have had a point with the whole vial of blood thing.

MM wanted to know why I was so quiet about Him and I really had to think about it. The intensity of this tangled new love is melting my stone soul and I am left exposed and pink skinned. Wouldn’t you protect something so valuable with the best of you? I want to wrap my words around this tiny shiny globe, shield it from the world, softly softly cup it in my hands and show only those who would not harm it, who would delight as I do, in the flutters of joy. I shout my love from the mountains*** and drag poor Him to any and every gathering of my heartfriends. Oh please, y’all know by now that my social butterfly would not retreat for mere love.

However, I know that new love is like a snakebite. If you are a snake the bite is on the feather side of kinky but if you are anyone else you’ll soon start vomiting and wishing for death so I will stop prattling on about it.

CC is leaving in less than a week. I have no idea how I am going to handle this town without him. It helps that I can wrap infatuation around me like a assassin’s cowl but at some point I will have to face that my person is leaving….just writing this has me bawling so Saturday’s party at the Hungarian Bar should be a snot fest. Luckily I have long since developed a taste for salty-bitter-tear-flavoured syrupy vodka. Anyway.

I have two brothers, Little Brother the rock star you’ve read about, and now I introduce you to Beautiful Brother. He is, well, incredibly pretty. He just came back from the UK where he found God and purpose. He has been a chef in the SA Navy, a chef on a few game farms, a hair dresser and most recently a handy man. No. He is not gay nor will he be an Indian next. He’s decided to be an electrician.

Please understand that he is pretty enough to make most women walk into solid things so he will either do really, really well as suburban housewives will have quite a bit of explaining to do to husbands about the sudden jump in household maintenance bills or he will never be hired because we are used to Butt Crack Sparky fixing the lights. I’m glad he is back though :)

1. Word of the day: pertinacity (The Sage: 1. persistent determination)

2. Insight of the day: The first summer shower washes the world awake.

3. State of the pool:  gritty but ice cold india ink

4. Joys of the day: 1. Sitting next to an open window showing me the washed world, 2. Knowing that I get to see Him every day for the next 4 whole days, 3. Drinks with Tall Stories folk, CC and Him tomorrow where we’ll dissect (pun totally intended) District 9

5. Awesomest lines: No lines. I’ve been reading fantasy. Vast Touched.

6. Scripture lines: Romans 5 (New International Version)

⁶You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. ⁸But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

*It is a very obscure reference but I love the way he says this phrase when The Bride pretends to be anything but a revenge queen who speaks fluent bubblegum Los Angeles accented Japanese.

**AWESOME idea. Excellent pizza too.

***Facebook…mountains…same thing really /grin

• @TallStoriesBook It is only because your bookstore is the best in SA :) in reply to TallStoriesBook #
• PTY LTD FTW! #
• @Pieterkrige Hello love :) Welcome to Twitter #
• …If all else fails and you no longer know who you are, I think Dian might be able to tell you http://dianjoubert.com/ #
• @johanmeiring "Frozen din dins are awesome". You are so ready for marriage #
• Is now a rugby fan. Yes, I know /grin. Going to get little girly rugby shirts and everything #
• I think I like http://bit.ly/hMXzz #
• And it runs on Android #
• @johanmeiring same here but what do you think about the Motorola? in reply to johanmeiring #
• [Blog]: What is an e-suburb and why should you implement it: An e-suburb can be thought of as .. http://bit.ly/jijUi
  #spiraleye #
• @johanmeiring oooooh I like the blog thingymajigs #
• Wow. Seacom (http://www.seacomblog.com/) has been up for a month…anyone see a difference yet? #
• Oh Google you utter darling! Writing proposals (butter) + Internet Stats (sizzling scalpel) = *contented sigh* #
• http://www.google.co.uk/intl/en/landing/internetstats/ #
• I love Wordpress 3.5. Widgets are so lovely #
• @TallStoriesBook thought you might find this interesting http://tinyurl.com/klrmqj #
• The Bank bought The Fish! YAY!! #
• Just made her first rugby comment. Give me time folks. Soon I will be on Boots&All #
• @johanmeiring /pat pat in reply to johanmeiring #
• I think there might be a law against how utterly in love I am. #
• @johanmeiring bwhahaha..good point in reply to johanmeiring #
• is feeling quite bereft without @TallStoriesBook updates. Wherefore art thou? #
• RT: @TallStoriesBook: Book dealers…have varied interests. Here is an article on synaesthesia 'Can you see time?' http://bit.ly/kYTjS in reply to TallStoriesBook #
• @omekron only you would have "an emergency bag of peanuts" with you. in reply to omekron #
• Gets to write the whole day today *blissful sigh*. Although the accompanying carbs are not so good :/ #
• Summertime Billy Holiday /grin http://bit.ly/weMli #
• sigh Billie not Billy #
• @timothysolomon I understand that you think Drupal is better than Wordpress but at least with Wordpress I don't have to wade through code :/ #
• YGM = updated #
• [Blog]: Stages of web presence:
  A website is a website is a website right? In one word? NO. N.. http://bit.ly/KRvlS
  #spiraleye #
• May you all have light blue U2 Beautiful Day :) #
• @johanmeiring I object to that. I am perhaps gothic coloured and occasionally mutter curses and cackle but that does not make me a witch in reply to johanmeiring #
• @johanmeiring LOL blommie #
• Tweeting is like composing haiku #
• @omekron /APPLAUSE #
• Remember Andre Schwartz? Not only is he still alive he is still performing. Talk about a trip down memory lane #
• Oh. My. Soul. SA Poledancing Championships…words fail me #
• I don't normally like either talent shows or ventriloquism but holy crap this is impressive http://tinyurl.com/n3m67z #

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I feel like I am motes of once-known-as-Feylian swirling in Barenjaeger* or a leaf blowing in the whistle of Felix Laband’s Whistling in Tongues. I want to drink Him and I know he will taste of maple syrup. My blood is hardly salty red – I’ve just made him a mixed cd of music so saccharine that CC would keel over and die of mortification and soundslut revolt if he ever heard it.

He is…more than I ever thought. He is breath and joy and fear of loss.

Anyway.

Things are going remarkably well at work. I love what I do and these days it consists or ever more writing which kicks ass. Living in Midrand is fantastic. WaWa and Manly Man are complete sweethearts and D has fallen in love (as is his wont) with Violet, the housekeeper****.

This past weekend was blearily wonderful. We went to MM & The Original Camel Man’s place where we listened to Chris Chameleon and drank whisky. Saturday we went to Rambo’s house where I watched my first voluntary rugby game. I will now shell out actual cash money to buy girl rugby shirts. CC joined us later which resulted in only getting to bed in the bird chittering hours of Sunday morning.

And yes. CC is still leaving but I’m not talking about it as it is imminent enough to make my brown eyes brim. So denial ftw.

1. Word of the day:  treacle (TheSage: 1. writing or music that is excessively sweet and sentimental, 2. a pale cane syrup)

2. Insight of the day: You know in the fabric of your soul when it is the right person. I’d always wondered about that.

3. State of the pool:  Pale gold, body temp honey with splashing tongues of fire.*

4. Joys of the day:  1. Summertime by Billie Holiday, 2. being barefoot and alone at the office, 3. virtual lilo-ing instead of surfing the internet**, 4. wearing and discarding words like putting an outfit together with hours still before the party starts***.

5. Awesomest lines: One of my favourite poems of all time and now, finally, appropriate.

i like my body when it is with your – ee cummings

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric furr, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh….And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

6. Scripture line: Song of Solomon (New International Version) 1: ….4

Friends

We rejoice and delight in you ^[b] ;
we will praise your love more than wine.

**Frost sent me this link. Awesome stuff. Why surf if you can fly?

***Reminds me of the afternoon scene in Atonement where Keira Knightly smokes a lot (beautifully though)

****So young and yet already destined to be an Austen character.

I am irrevocably, stick-a-fork-in-me-I’m-so-done, in love.  I won’t bore you with what will undoubtedly be a metre or so of sugary text about how amazing and wonderful he is (oh and how he is…/sigh). Suffice to say he is my love and I am his.

Bit of a problem with your author and being a giant puddle of sticky pink lurve: I don’t write. When life is dark and the hounds of tar thoughts are baying I can write as if each penned letter will put some soul saving space between me and self destruction.

However, when I am happy, I turn into a moron. I listen to happy happy little songs like Vanessa Carlton’s Thousand Miles* & U2’s Beautiful Day** and write 4 proposals a day. Which is good for work, obviously, but not hugely good for the noodle. I think I will write him a love letter and post it here, that way you can avoid it if you want.

Back to reality:

CC is leaving at the end of the month. This sucks more than you can even begin to imagine. My best friend is leaving and although it would be good for him and I can go visit that blasted heath, I am going to bawl like a little kid who’s mother’s arms just got ripped off in front of her. Ok, so perhaps that is a tad over dramatic *pouts and stamps foot* but I don’t have to be understanding and kind here. Now for something more in line with my age…

I spent an AWESOME evening with the Tall Stories folks. Clever and witty conversation sprinkled with many a film reference and of course book talk. /Sigh…so so so good. One day when I am a grown up I would very much like to be as moth-to-a-flame interesting as Pagan Redhead and to inspire such moth-ness in someone as erudite as Delightful A.

In the spirit of change I’ve decided that the blog requires some changing. Therefore a format change: 4. Random thought is now 4. Joy of the day, the random thing always bugged me anyway. Name changes: Perfect Guy = Frost, Delightful A= Krugaza-san, Delicious One = Beautiful Boy.

1. Word of the day: flux (TheSage: 1. In constant change, 5. A state of uncertainty about what should be done – usually following some important even – preceding the establishment of a new direction of action)

2. Insight of the day: Why anyone would willingly live in Krugersdorp, which is the town equivalent of Meanieville where there is no water, no light, no joy***, is beyond me.

3. State of the pool: Rapturous with little foamy wavelets.

4. Joys of the day: 1. Driving quite far with the window open and having my honey scented hair whip around my face. 2. Having starch…/drool for the salty potatoeyness. 3. Felix Laband’s Whistling in Tongues

5. Awesomest lines: Courtesy of Krugaza-san as I have been reading awesome SciFi (Ender’s Game – Orson Scott Card) Anthony Burgess, Nothing Like The Sun

“The play we act in is still busily being written in that dark room behind, the final couplet not yet known even to the cloaked and anonymous writer.”

6. Scripture line: Romans 5 New International Version

¹Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ²through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. ³Not only so, but we^[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

*Which in normal circumstances should get anyone not still playing with Barbies mutilated with the broken edge of the cd.

**The only song universally recognised to have captured the concept of sabai***

***I once met a lovely Chinese girl who tried to explain the phrase (which of course I am going to horribly butcher) which sounded like “tswee tswee fuh”, to me. She said that it was the feeling one gets when riding on a bike and having your hair stream in the wind, or being in an expensive sports car with the top down. The lovely lemony butter sunlight feeling of freedom.

****Dover Beach – Matthew Arnold

It’s gone and happened folks. I think it’s him. The Guy. I am falling in love. The Afrikaans word “verlief” is better. “In love” seems presumptuous and not a little hasty.

I’m not very lucid at the moment as I only got home at 5 this morning after many hours of honest here-I-am, what now, soul connecting, maybe-love talking. He’s so beautiful and sincere. I will undoubtedly wax lyrical quite soon but for now I don’t want to share something so fragile.  Ek met my hart bakhand voor hom gestaan en hy het my hande omvou en binne in sy bors gedruk. Sy hart het opgeskuif om plek te maak vir myne.

1. Word of the day: realisation (TheSage: 3. the completion or enrichment of a piece of music left sparsely notated by a composer)

2. Insight of the day:  How can a statement composed of so few words have so much weight?

3. State of the pool: reflecting rainbow swirls of what-if

4. Random thought: Why do little boys, when eating chocolate almost without fail, get it in the whorls of their ears? Is it a pre-programmed guy thing?

5. Awesomest lines: Yeats

WHEN YOU ARE OLD

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,

And nodding by the fire, take down this book,

And slowly read, and dream of the soft look

Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,

And loved your beauty with love false or true,

But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,

And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,

Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled

And paced upon the mountains overhead

And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

6. Scripture lines: Ephesians 2 (New International Version)

⁸For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

It is wine festival time again /GRIN. El the Legend’s church* has a yearly charity event where all gather to have wine, good food and excellent conversation. This year I have my own table.

Folk in attendance: CC, Delicious One, Rangineer, O the Metal Alchemist, Lovely Lila (MM’s sister), Hot Divorce Lawyer & friend and a new edition: Dandylion (Ender’s most recent ex) und friend.

I’ve been seeing quite a bit of Delicious One…hmmm. Perhaps if when he touched me I did not feel like an ignited trail of gunpowder, life would be somewhat easier, if far more boring.

I get to have cocktails with Delightful A and Beautiful Pagan Redhead from Tall Stories tomorrow /bounce. Intelligent, well read conversation with scavenged-from-a-royal-crypt-bone-and-some-dessicated-flesh-still-on-it-dry-humour ftw.

1. Word of the day:  repudiate (TheSage: 1. refuse to acknowledge, ratify or recognise as valid, 2. cast off, 3. reject as untrue, unfounded, or unjust, 4. refuse to recognise or pay)

2. Insight of the day: When you love what you do, getting up is a joy beyond all measure.

3. State of the pool: Dom Pérignon

4. Random thought: A new blogger that shows promise: Pierre

5. Awesomest lines: I’m running out of these. Play Dead by Elsa Volschenk

Purge me of all known bliss
so I can exist without you

6. Scripture lines: Psalm 119:64 (New International Version)

⁶⁴ The earth is filled with your love, O LORD;
teach me your decrees.

*:) Rocking ain’t it.