Let’s leave the beaver-cheek-causing frustration that is work, aside. Just thinking about how badly I want to make it makes me sympathise with reality show contestants and that, dear readers, makes me want to lash myself 15th century style.

So, consider me hobbled until one of the 3 options I currently have pays out. And I mean pays, as in cash money, preferrably in monthly installments so that I can get an iPad*** and be featured on it, eventually.

1. Word of the day: esurient – The Sage: 1. devouring or craving food in great quantities

2. Insight of the day: Suppressing frustration and want makes Feylian a rabid little ferret.

3. State of the pool: furiously churning and rebelliously sloshing against the shrinking walls of the pool

4. Joys of the day: Rives (I skipped the TED intro, you should know it by now), 2 meetings which went goddam brilliantly**, dinner with El the Legend and our Taye Diggs look alike neighbour****.

5. Awesomest lines: Kite by Rives

And so I made for you a kite, enormous,
out of coat hangers, brown paper bags
and the masking tape from that drawer in your kitchen,
and I hung it in the hallway
where you couldn’t hardly miss it,
and I tagged that kite with my words,
I wrote:

Just so you know–

My weird mind wanders and my brave heart breaks.
I’ve nailed some milestones, but I’ve made mistakes,
Cuz I got more faults than a map of California earthquakes.

I am taking a nap beneath your covers.
Wake me if you like me.
Wake me if you want me
Wake me if you need another poem.

Your once and future lover
has made himself at home.

*Hungry is perhaps not the right word. Look at the word of the day. That’s me, baby.

**If it did otherwise I would’ve dragged its sorry asses to the corner of the room and hissed it into submission. Mama ain’t playin’ nice no more.

*** A legitimate wish and don’t you eyeroll at me or call me a fangirl. I am not. It is just bloody cool and I want one.

****I would like to point out that he is funny, articulate and smoking hot.If she doesn’t flirt I’ll be forced to stab her with the salad fork. Which we don’t have. The plastic handled cheap fork then. With hot sauce on it.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

No, it is because I’m neither an employee nor an owner. The 3 non members have almost all the responsibility and stress of keeping the company afloat and almost none of the traditional perks of being an employee. Now this is incredibly freeing but it inevitably leads to wanting a slice of the awesome you help to create.

I wish they would make up their minds already. All we can do is ask. If it is no then so be it, but these endless meetings where we are ever more like whiny girlfriends begging for a wedding date is starting to get old. Please note that it is hardly fun for the members, the difference is that they are holding the ring. Having power you see, is a like a owning a panther with a bladder infection.

To continue with the blendy metaphors: Why marry someone if you don’t know if they are (lookit mom, restraint) good cooks and why whip up that 7 layered hazelnut parfait if they are not willing to marry you?***

On the other hand maybe I am just not seeing it. Maybe I am so blinded by the thought of being equal and really heard that I am missing something. Maybe I am made to be an employee, someone to be herded and shaved to the bone every now and again.

Spoke the Him last night about where we see our careers are going and I know exactly what I want to do. I want a few programmers like The Architect**, Boaz and Poet Programmer as well as a delightful venture capitalist with an avuncular interest in innovation & automation to mentor and fund us for a few months.

One tiny problem with this. Well, 2. #1: What about my current company? and #2: how will my brand new sticky pink lurve survive 72 x (14h x 365d)? The answer for both is not looking rosy folks. Actually it looks decidedly on the dried blood side of pink.

I really don’t  know how to go forward. I’ve had a crap load of deals collapse on me this year, mostly due to my not knowing enough in order to save it. In my defense I’d only been busy with this new career since January, which I have to shamefacedly admit is hardly a saving grace, and I did not receive support or training but that isn’t really an excuse either. I could have done more and now I have to eat my eggless omelet while waving at the basket which contained said yolky joy. So I can understand the reluctance to let me in kitchen to play at parfait. HOWEVER, I also know that I am bloody talented. And no one is more surprised at this than your author. It rocks finding something that you can really do and do well.

/SIGH

1. Word of the day: equal (The Sage: 1. having the requisite qualities or resources to meet a task, 2. having the same quantity, measure or value as another)

2. Insight of the day: I need a real holiday. I am tired and it’s not just from the perpetual lack of sleep :/

3. State of the pool: Troubled but clear

4. Joys of the day: 1. Rediscovering a playlist that I listened to exactly this time last year and being able to contrast one year with another, 2. Dreaming of waking up between Him and D, 3. flexitime which allows me to finish this blog and spend some real time with my son and finish my work tonight :)

5. Awesomest lines: Elsa Volschenk: so vind jy my

ek is nie opsoek na jou gretige belangstelling in my doen en late,
jou sout-van-die-aarde sjarme wat my jou ego gaan laat vaar tot ‘n mate nie

ek is nie opsoek na jou stukkie insig wat jy dink my gaan stimuleer
of jou diepste seer om my siels-empatie mee te infiltreer nie

ek is ook nie opsoek na jou prentjie droom wat jy hoop ons eendag sal wees nie

ek is eintlik net hier
vir jou

sonder al die dinge wat jy glo my gaan laat aanhou soek
vir daardie iemand

wat jy nie is nie

6. Scripture line: Ephesians 4 (NIV)

¹As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. ²Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. ³Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. ⁴There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— ⁵one Lord, one faith, one baptism; ⁶one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

*I swear it. It looks exactly like it used to but the wire seems to be boring into my ribs. Who needs a tracheotomy when you can just poke holes in your lungs with underwire…rattling breath death by a housekeeper with an agenda. Perhaps I should explain to her that D’s inheritance is not yet all that and machine washing underwear is not the most effective tool for instant wealth. Oh wow. She might have to wait longer than I thought. I don’t have a will…this is not good.

**Incredibly talented programmer that I worked with seamlessly and that was before I realised I can do what I now know I can.

***I.e. Why should they give us ownership if we haven’t “performed” and why should we “perform” if we don’t have ownership?

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

I’ve been trying to write to, and about, Him but I can’t find the words. I can’t even explain why I love him to Him. How do you write about something that is so good? Being with him is golden. I am at peace when he is around. But not the monkish-on-a-mountain-top-meditation kind of peace…the light becomes honey, my soul is lifted and my heart swirls adrenaline through all of me. To me, He is coming home. He is life, and joy and knowing that I want to be around Him and hear what he has to say every moment of the day. He is beautiful and kind. That feral, sweet smile breaks me every time. Which pretty much means your author is shattered Lego so often that should you be unfortunate enough to be around blocky bits of gory moi, you would be stumbling and muttering foul curses while clutching your (my or your blood?) sticky red toes.

I am happy :)…sickeningly so.

1. Word of the day:  substantive (The Sage: 3. being on topic and prompting thought)

2. Insight of the day: For the foreseeable future I am not cut out for management. I’ve lost my carefully cultivated corporate cool and will have to rebuild it before I can run our company.

3. State of the pool: Clear anise flavoured liquor headily swishing.

4. Joys of the day: 1. Concentrating because I feel the summer breeze and sunlight warms me. 2. Having D smile at me and imperiously and with a little tongue not yet used to hard consonants,  demand a sandwich.

5. Awesomest lines: Thank you MM. Pablo Neruda…get used to this. He will be featuring quite a lot :)

“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.”

6. Scripture line: Ephesians 3 – New International Version. Mind blowing stuff!

¹⁴For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵from whom his whole family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

It has been quite a week. I’m so knackered I can barely see straight. I am not the biggest sleeper in the world but 15 or so hours in 4 days is not ideal *blearily wipes eyes*. I am however happier than I was with the previous post so that should tell you something :).

And still for all the same reasons.

This weekend should rule though. Going to the driving range with the Rangineer**,  moving tomorrow morning, meeting up with Bambi and introducing one heart friend to 3 others (Brilliant Hungarian, CC and El the Legend) 2 more social engagements and then hopefully a very quiet and barely moving Sunday.

1. Word of the day: inherent (TheSage: 1. the nature of something though not readily apparent, 2. existing as an essential constituent or characteristic.)

2. Insight of the day:  John Mayer will always make me happy.

3. State of the pool: Limpid, barely rippling

4. Random thought: Wharrgarble

5. Awesomest lines: Elsa Volschenk - Jungle

complete am I in the lushes hush that i’ve nurtured into being
at peace am i out here where i believe I will not be found

no need to grow, mature or evolve

out here i act my mock age and belie my years on this earth
for obsessed i will remain by childish things

juggling the mask
i am not willing to become but for the blessing of Love
set free am I by a truth bigger than this jungle of mine.

*Tired – from Infinite Jest

** I’m tired ok. But I still think it is a good name for an ex game ranger turned engineer.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

I’d hoped to avoid more rootlessness but I’d rather have us move a few more times and hope like hell it doesn’t put a kink in D’s soul than stay and have his already strange mother turn into a lush who treats salt granules like  Neal Stephenson’s cookiecutters.

At least I love my job. I get to do research and then tell people how amazing being online can be and what a difference it can make if you just use it right. So a combination of reading, learning and then writing. There is nothing better…you want a title? Web consultant**. Makes me sound like a real prat innit :)

1. Word of the day: saltpetre (sounds like a saint but is actually either plant food or explosives…oh English you darling)

2. Insight of the day: Thinking that you made your point and actually making your point is not even in the same hemisphere of meaning>.<

3. State of the pool: The fountain in the Atonement summer scene.

4. Random thought: **What happened in our lives that some words make you nervously pat your wallet while blanching?

5. Awesomest lines: Contemporary of Sylvia (of whom she was jealous and with good reason) Elizabeth Bishop. I first found her in the Ted Hughes & Seamus Heany’s mindblowingly excellent anthology The Rattle Bag.

From her Poem Chemin de Fer

“Love should be put into action!”
screamed the old hermit.
Across the pond an echo
tried and tried to confirm it.

6. Scripture lines: Ephesians 1 (New American Standard Bible)

⁷In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace ⁸which He lavished on us. In all wisdom and insight⁹He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which He purposed in Him¹⁰with a view to an administration suitable to the fullness of the times, that is, the summing up of all things in Christ, things in the heavens and things on the earth. In Him¹¹also we have obtained an inheritance, having been ^(AE)predestined according to His purpose who works all things after the counsel of His will,¹²to the end that we who were the first to hope in ^[c]Christ would be ^(AH)to the praise of His glory.

*Passive aggressive communication in my family boils down to muttered asides and terse sentences which puts something innocuous like “pass the salt” on par with “die motherbitches”…nooo thank you.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

Last night was indeed epic, even if it was not nearly what I had envisioned it to be. El was, as always, freaking legendary. It is a miracle that the woman can move without stepping over the supine supplicators for her affection. And, dear gods, those legs. If ever you are short of cash and in need of a drink, dress her in 4inch fm-boots and take her to a “club”*. Oh and I managed to freak out a dominee. It’s been awhile /grin. Met some lovely people, I guess those “clubs” have their pro’s. (muahahaha…no I kill me, really)

This morning I woke up to rain. Which turned into honest to goodness Scotland sleet. Global warming ftw! Hid away in Tall Stories. Both Beautiful Pagan Redhead*** and Delightful A are on my top 6 dinner party guests. Delightful A opened Milan Kundera to me and 4 other awesome books which I cannot wait to read. If you have time and are in the area, go there. Seriously. It is a joy comparable to dark chocolate mousse or listening to a CC mixed tape**. Met The Blonde Engineer for a much belated bday lunch and he too only after a few minutes, and some enthused nagging, bought 2 books. On soup. In time he might upgrade to non-happiness-of-the-mouth reading. Well, one can hope.

CC, The Lovely Redheaded Photographer and I made a paprika goulash and are swimming in music which melts bones and movies…oh hooking up soundsluts rocks. I love my life. I really do.

1. Word of the day: salacious

2. Insight of the day: I am a rocker. Even trying to gyrate to crap rythms last scoffed at when 13 is several levels of not ok.

3. State of the pool: A beautifully aged claret.

4. Random thought: It rained slush puppy today.

5. Awesomest lines: Milan Kundera – Slowness. There is far too much here so let’s start with page 4 -

Speed is the form of ecstasy the technical revolution bestowed on man. As opposed to a motorcyclist, the runner is always present in his body, forever required to think about his blisters, his exhaustion; when he runs he feels his weight, his age, more concious than ever of himself and of his time of life. This all changes when man delegates the faculty of speed to a machine: from then on, his own body is outside the process, and he gives over to a speed that is non-corporeal, non-material, pure speed, speed itself, ecstacy speed. 

*I rarely use inverted commas and with good reason. But in this case it is warranted. Why on earth people have a desire to spend time in a place where the patented once-over-and-then-dismissed/adored-look is so prevalent that eyes water at the small African country crippling energy expediture is beyond me. /shudder. No. Just no. If I want my posterior manhandled I’d rather commit an act of freedom fighting and have someone be my female canine companion.

** Yes. I am that old.

***For some reason I am inundated with gorgeous carrot-tops. I guess I need to see better..oh it was lame but I enjoyed it :)

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

1. Word of the day: lugubrious

2. Insight of the day: Lark is awesome. Seriously. Like a mixture between Fetish, Portishead and Massive Attack if all of them leaned towards the dark, electronic side.

3. State of the pool: languid, like hot, fortified Earl Grey tea

4. Random thoughts:  The harpiscord, if used effectively, can change not only the tone but also the mood of a song.

5. Awesomest lines: Read Nacho

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

I still like the ygm format we eventually settled on and will keep on using it. I have a somewhat strange way of writing which is greatly influenced by my speech, the huge amount of time I spend on chat clients as well as PietSous and Boaz who inducted me into the doubtful joy of MMORPG (like WoW) acronyms. Therefore, a brief glossary:

ygm – ‘you’ve got mail‘. Perfect Guy and I used this in order inform one another on GTalk that we’d written those previously mentioned mails. Still just seeing this acronym makes me smile like a demented schoolgirl. No mean feat, that.

ftw – ‘for the win‘. Urban dictionary defines it as follows: “An enthusiastic emphasis to the end of a comment, message, or post. Sometimes genuine, but often sarcastic”.

/”word” – denotes an action. MSN offers custom emoticons* and the keyboard shortcuts for them almost all start with /.

/bounce – a state of being closely resembling ecstasy, before the word was robbed of its true meaning by MDMA. I am mostly so happy that I literally bounce**

*’sentence describing action’* – denotes an action. Blame this one on GTalk which bolds such sentences. We have since adopted it as stage directions. e.g. *collapses into a sobbing melodramatic heap at her twisted verbosity*

btw – ‘by the way’. Textual segue or off stage whisper. Sometimes both.

milf – ‘mom I’d like to do bad things to’

fail – Again thank you Urban dictionary for this definition: “either an interjection used when one disapproves of something, or a verb meaning approximately the same thing as the slang form of suck”. Also see epic fail.

sigh. pine. – Another state of being. Sometimes used seriously/truly but mostly it is froth.

*, **,*** – Footnotes. Until I find a way of doing superscript, yonder stars will have to do the job. Blame my love of this literary laziness on the most amazing/brilliant author of all time, David Foster Wallace.

That said, welcome to my new abode.

Feylian

*the only good thing about it btw. It fails. Constantly.

**an alarming sight seeing as I turn 30 very, very soon and am hardly elfin.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

It feels like the air around me is crackling with unspoken resentment and disappointment but I am tired of this.

Enough now.

Enough of this wallowing. Shut it to the baying hounds of tar thoughts. Yeah, so I’m old and so rapidly going downhill on the desirability scale and any guy I connect with either doesn’t want me or the spark is missing. So what. There is too much awesome in this world for me to be all bubbling anger.

It is Friday. This weekend I get to spend time with 2 of the coolest people I know. MM is a brilliant, scalpel funny woman who rocks out to Bonnie Tyler :) and her S.O. is the original Camel Man. Bring on good food, conversation and Theuniskraal Bouquet Blanc. Tomorrow I sleep late and wake up to their incredible garden, we’ll have brunch on the trellised patio in the gorgeous buttery winter sunlight.

That thought alone makes this day edible.

1. Word of the day: photoflood
2. Insight of the day: Live music is lovely and /bounce causing.
3. State of the pool: gettting there.
4. Music: aKING. Saw them live earlier this week. Lovely stuff. Not the best ever but still enjoyable.
5. Awesomest lines: I laughed so hard I fell off my chair.
6. Scripture line: thanks to LB for this – she unwittingly made it all better.
Ps. 139.16 “And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them”

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

1. The guidance counsellor was right about my ideal career** and;
2. I really, really wish I didn’t drop out.

I scoffed at seating plans (which is still a little bit -4 on the required IQ scale) but now I could really do with that knowledge. Granted age making one wiser and the fact that my reading and uptake speed is now infinitely more than it was way back then I can assimilate the course’s knowledge in a few months but even so it would have been nice to have hardwon information to fall back on. Oh for the love of templates.

I don’t know if other writers do the same but for me writing the first time around is the hard bit. Once it is done all you have to do is copy/paste/edit – so creating anything from scratch (knowing that it is highly bloody unlikely anyone will read it >.<) is fun but hard work. Especially if it isn’t letters to a friend who is no longer really a friend ;)

Speaking of which: colleague GF and I spent 12 hours in each other’s company yesterday at the Lephalale-very-much-almost-install and it was fun. He may be a kid but he is a kid that I will certainly be friends with for some time to come. And then there is CC. Spending time with him is effortless and such a joy. He makes me laugh so hard that I sound like I’m wheezing***. We watched Waking Life and he got it. Awesome guy. Can’t wait to spend more time with him. Just sucks that he is leaving for Cape Town.

I’ve also been speaking to TH again. It is good to have someone who has known me before I turned to the Creator (and who had quite a hand in it mind you) and is of like mind, on hand. Especially someone who understands what it is to be so easily led astray by the world. I’ve been so tangled up in work that I’ve severely neglected my spiritual life and it has definitely been showing. “Wat die hart van vol is…”. Josh’s sermon this evening on evangelisation was exactly what I needed to hear. How can I stand idly by when those I love do not know Him and purposely choose not to live in the light and I am focussing on bloody marketing proposals? Not ok.

I’ve pretty much given up on you. It is sad but probably inevitable. I guess you cannot tell someone you love them and assume that you can go back to being friends.

As for work…I think I am in over my head but then again I’d rather be drowning than coasting.

1. Word of the day: sunkissed. I actually felt the word on the way to Lephalale. It was a perfect few minutes. We were going really rather fast and GF’s golf is so stable it feels like it is glued to the road, the sunroof was open and the weather perfect and balmy. I don’t remember the cd playing but they sound quite a lot like Fetish. I closed my eyes and felt my hair floating around me and sunlight kissing my upturned face. It was amazing. Those few minutes made this entire weekend of work worth it.

2. Insight of the day: I need to buy all of Richard Linklater’s dvd’s.

3. State of the pool: Limply splishing in the hope of being warmed by the rocks.

4. Random thought: I wonder how my overuse of words that I love saying has changed those who know me.

5. Awesomest lines:

6. Scripture: still Ephesians and Keith Green. Oh and I need to read Spurgeoun.

* I eventually found a w word for friend :) The Sage rocks.
** I honestly did NOT see that coming – for so long I had been convinced that academia or some such thing (linguistics being the latest incarnation thereof) was my intended life. I therefore apologise to that poor lady for the past 10 years of insults and doubts of her ability.
***Which in all honesty, I am since I have bloody bronchitis. I have to admit that I like the raspiness I have had for the past 2 weeks. I wheeze when I laugh but at least I don’t sound like a 6 year old on crack.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.