But since we are here, let’s river dance on the gravel of broken-hearted-way-back-when.*** Roughly last year this time I started forming what can only be described as a spectacularly bad idea. I was falling, nay hurling, in love with someone who filed me under the same level of attractiveness as say, a small white mushroom. After declaring my fungial lurve to him he kindly said no thank you. And then the blog started. Lookit here (bottom up folks) if you want a quick catch up.

More importantly though, I found the awesome love of God. My commitment to the faith has since waned considerably**** but I’m slowly reclaiming that space in my head.

The point of  this post however, is how our memories, or lack of memories, shape who we are. Rambo, Himself and I had a brief discussion on Saturday about moments in our lives which either changed us or changed the direction of our lives so radically that the concept of who we think we are changed. Is there some unchangeable core of Feylian-ness which defies change? Or am I really the sum of my experiences, or more importantly the experiences I can examine?

Keep in mind that that memories are heavily edited things. We shape our world narratively (thanks PTerry’s – narrative causality) and as we tend to be the ones telling our own life stories we will almost without fail slowly (or not so slowly depending on the level of narrativium or denial in your cellular make up) change the story until we are portrayed as we hope to be.  So are we ultimately who we decide we should be? Or do we eventually become that person?

Maybe our memories do not shape us so much as our thoughts do…but how much of our thoughts consists of stories we made up to understand the world?

1. Word of the day: advent (The Sage:  1. arrival that’s been awaited – especially something momentous). In Anathem Neal Stephenson gives this word (and quite a few more) a whole new meaning.

2. Insight of the day: If you are not as moved as you used to be by a certain thing, it might be because it has become a part of you.

3. State of the pool: Contemplatively sloshing out of the reach of a retarding sun

4. Joys of the day: 1. thinking again, 2. finding joy in long avoided gospel music, 3. knowing to my marrow that I am loved, 4. my leave starts Friday…a week of reading and bliss await.

5. Awesomest lines: Still Anathem from Neal Stephenson. READ IT. It will make you a better human being.

6. Scripture lines: God is God – Stephen Curtis Chapman

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I

Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things

So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

* Including the earphones which squish my ears until they are a warm cherise of exquisite yelping owie. What’s that? Take it off? Pah. Don’t be silly. Soundslut reporting for duty ma’am.

**

*** Disclaimer: I love Him. I don’t want a life where He is not part of every day of my existence in no way am I considering ever going down that road again. This post is about memory shaping personality.

****I never stopped believing in the truth though. God remains all I want and all I’ve ever needed.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

I’ve been trying to write to, and about, Him but I can’t find the words. I can’t even explain why I love him to Him. How do you write about something that is so good? Being with him is golden. I am at peace when he is around. But not the monkish-on-a-mountain-top-meditation kind of peace…the light becomes honey, my soul is lifted and my heart swirls adrenaline through all of me. To me, He is coming home. He is life, and joy and knowing that I want to be around Him and hear what he has to say every moment of the day. He is beautiful and kind. That feral, sweet smile breaks me every time. Which pretty much means your author is shattered Lego so often that should you be unfortunate enough to be around blocky bits of gory moi, you would be stumbling and muttering foul curses while clutching your (my or your blood?) sticky red toes.

I am happy :)…sickeningly so.

1. Word of the day:  substantive (The Sage: 3. being on topic and prompting thought)

2. Insight of the day: For the foreseeable future I am not cut out for management. I’ve lost my carefully cultivated corporate cool and will have to rebuild it before I can run our company.

3. State of the pool: Clear anise flavoured liquor headily swishing.

4. Joys of the day: 1. Concentrating because I feel the summer breeze and sunlight warms me. 2. Having D smile at me and imperiously and with a little tongue not yet used to hard consonants,  demand a sandwich.

5. Awesomest lines: Thank you MM. Pablo Neruda…get used to this. He will be featuring quite a lot :)

“I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.”

6. Scripture line: Ephesians 3 – New International Version. Mind blowing stuff!

¹⁴For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵from whom his whole family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

I’m addicted to Him. If I could mainline him I would. We were sitting in Brooklyn @ Col’Cacchio which has paper table coverings** so I started writing to him. The handwritten, public note ended with me saying that I wanted to swim in his blood…that gave me pause. But only a brief pause. Angie might have had a point with the whole vial of blood thing.

MM wanted to know why I was so quiet about Him and I really had to think about it. The intensity of this tangled new love is melting my stone soul and I am left exposed and pink skinned. Wouldn’t you protect something so valuable with the best of you? I want to wrap my words around this tiny shiny globe, shield it from the world, softly softly cup it in my hands and show only those who would not harm it, who would delight as I do, in the flutters of joy. I shout my love from the mountains*** and drag poor Him to any and every gathering of my heartfriends. Oh please, y’all know by now that my social butterfly would not retreat for mere love.

However, I know that new love is like a snakebite. If you are a snake the bite is on the feather side of kinky but if you are anyone else you’ll soon start vomiting and wishing for death so I will stop prattling on about it.

CC is leaving in less than a week. I have no idea how I am going to handle this town without him. It helps that I can wrap infatuation around me like a assassin’s cowl but at some point I will have to face that my person is leaving….just writing this has me bawling so Saturday’s party at the Hungarian Bar should be a snot fest. Luckily I have long since developed a taste for salty-bitter-tear-flavoured syrupy vodka. Anyway.

I have two brothers, Little Brother the rock star you’ve read about, and now I introduce you to Beautiful Brother. He is, well, incredibly pretty. He just came back from the UK where he found God and purpose. He has been a chef in the SA Navy, a chef on a few game farms, a hair dresser and most recently a handy man. No. He is not gay nor will he be an Indian next. He’s decided to be an electrician.

Please understand that he is pretty enough to make most women walk into solid things so he will either do really, really well as suburban housewives will have quite a bit of explaining to do to husbands about the sudden jump in household maintenance bills or he will never be hired because we are used to Butt Crack Sparky fixing the lights. I’m glad he is back though :)

1. Word of the day: pertinacity (The Sage: 1. persistent determination)

2. Insight of the day: The first summer shower washes the world awake.

3. State of the pool:  gritty but ice cold india ink

4. Joys of the day: 1. Sitting next to an open window showing me the washed world, 2. Knowing that I get to see Him every day for the next 4 whole days, 3. Drinks with Tall Stories folk, CC and Him tomorrow where we’ll dissect (pun totally intended) District 9

5. Awesomest lines: No lines. I’ve been reading fantasy. Vast Touched.

6. Scripture lines: Romans 5 (New International Version)

⁶You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. ⁸But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

*It is a very obscure reference but I love the way he says this phrase when The Bride pretends to be anything but a revenge queen who speaks fluent bubblegum Los Angeles accented Japanese.

**AWESOME idea. Excellent pizza too.

***Facebook…mountains…same thing really /grin

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

He is…more than I ever thought. He is breath and joy and fear of loss.

Anyway.

Things are going remarkably well at work. I love what I do and these days it consists or ever more writing which kicks ass. Living in Midrand is fantastic. WaWa and Manly Man are complete sweethearts and D has fallen in love (as is his wont) with Violet, the housekeeper****.

This past weekend was blearily wonderful. We went to MM & The Original Camel Man’s place where we listened to Chris Chameleon and drank whisky. Saturday we went to Rambo‘s house where I watched my first voluntary rugby game. I will now shell out actual cash money to buy girl rugby shirts. CC joined us later which resulted in only getting to bed in the bird chittering hours of Sunday morning.

And yes. CC is still leaving but I’m not talking about it as it is imminent enough to make my brown eyes brim. So denial ftw.

1. Word of the day:  treacle (TheSage: 1. writing or music that is excessively sweet and sentimental, 2. a pale cane syrup)

2. Insight of the day: You know in the fabric of your soul when it is the right person. I’d always wondered about that.

3. State of the pool:  Pale gold, body temp honey with splashing tongues of fire.*

4. Joys of the day:  1. Summertime by Billie Holiday, 2. being barefoot and alone at the office, 3. virtual lilo-ing instead of surfing the internet**, 4. wearing and discarding words like putting an outfit together with hours still before the party starts***.

5. Awesomest lines: One of my favourite poems of all time and now, finally, appropriate.

i like my body when it is with your – ee cummings

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric furr, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh….And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

6. Scripture line: Song of Solomon (New International Version) 1: ….4

Friends

We rejoice and delight in you ^[b] ;
we will praise your love more than wine.

**Frost sent me this link. Awesome stuff. Why surf if you can fly?

***Reminds me of the afternoon scene in Atonement where Keira Knightly smokes a lot (beautifully though)

****So young and yet already destined to be an Austen character.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

I’m not very lucid at the moment as I only got home at 5 this morning after many hours of honest here-I-am, what now, soul connecting, maybe-love talking. He’s so beautiful and sincere. I will undoubtedly wax lyrical quite soon but for now I don’t want to share something so fragile.  Ek met my hart bakhand voor hom gestaan en hy het my hande omvou en binne in sy bors gedruk. Sy hart het opgeskuif om plek te maak vir myne.

1. Word of the day: realisation (TheSage: 3. the completion or enrichment of a piece of music left sparsely notated by a composer)

2. Insight of the day:  How can a statement composed of so few words have so much weight?

3. State of the pool: reflecting rainbow swirls of what-if

4. Random thought: Why do little boys, when eating chocolate almost without fail, get it in the whorls of their ears? Is it a pre-programmed guy thing?

5. Awesomest lines: Yeats

WHEN YOU ARE OLD

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,

And nodding by the fire, take down this book,

And slowly read, and dream of the soft look

Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,

And loved your beauty with love false or true,

But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,

And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,

Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled

And paced upon the mountains overhead

And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

6. Scripture lines: Ephesians 2 (New International Version)

⁸For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— ⁹not by works, so that no one can boast. ¹⁰For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

Folk in attendance: CC, Delicious One, Rangineer, O the Metal Alchemist, Lovely Lila (MM‘s sister), Hot Divorce Lawyer & friend and a new edition: Dandylion (Ender‘s most recent ex) und friend.

I’ve been seeing quite a bit of Delicious One…hmmm. Perhaps if when he touched me I did not feel like an ignited trail of gunpowder, life would be somewhat easier, if far more boring.

I get to have cocktails with Delightful A and Beautiful Pagan Redhead from Tall Stories tomorrow /bounce. Intelligent, well read conversation with scavenged-from-a-royal-crypt-bone-and-some-dessicated-flesh-still-on-it-dry-humour ftw.

1. Word of the day:  repudiate (TheSage: 1. refuse to acknowledge, ratify or recognise as valid, 2. cast off, 3. reject as untrue, unfounded, or unjust, 4. refuse to recognise or pay)

2. Insight of the day: When you love what you do, getting up is a joy beyond all measure.

3. State of the pool: Dom Pérignon

4. Random thought: A new blogger that shows promise: Pierre

5. Awesomest lines: I’m running out of these. Play Dead by Elsa Volschenk

Purge me of all known bliss
so I can exist without you

6. Scripture lines: Psalm 119:64 (New International Version)

⁶⁴ The earth is filled with your love, O LORD;
teach me your decrees.

*:) Rocking ain’t it.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

Which leads me to suspect that I might be addicted to my friends…I haven’t seen MM since last weekend and I’m jonesing for her company. I am still deeply pissed at Russian Mafia Guy and Amazonian Godmother because although I understand that new love needs space, I hate that I need to negotiate a time to pick up my freaking shampoo…which is  probably a little unbalanced on my side. But it kills me. Smug Marrieds** suck. Maybe I am like a Neo who focuses not on Trinity or all of mankind but just my little group of heartfriends.

In other news…I got to see Delicious One last night. That beautiful boy robs me of words and still breaks me. And yeah…the apple thing still applies /grin. I love that he is waking up to who he could be.

1. Word of the day: perfidy (TheSage: 1. an act of deliberate betrayal, 2. betrayal of a trust)

2. Insight of the day: I am a narcissist on an Evil Stepmother level. “Mirror mirror who is the…ooooh lookit…pretty me”.

3. State of the pool: Troubled and murky

4. Random thought: I now live in Midrand with Wawa and Manly Man in a huge house. Free State hospitality ftw!

5. Awesomest lines: Dra my saam by Anna Davel

Dra my saam as die nag jou koudmaak
dra my saam as jou voete bloei
en die pad te lank word
dra my saam

dra my saam as jou fotoboek,
vou my oop en blaai deur my
laat jou vingers dans, driftig dans
oor my krom-krom rug

6. Scripture lines: Romans 8 (New International Version)

³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

*Forever.

** Credit to Helen Fielding

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

It’s the weirdest thing, the past while it seems as if my taste in men have swung to the brushcut blue eyed Aryan firefighter/emergency services kind of look*. Delicious guy (ex swimmer, motocrossing little brother of The Original Camel Man) now this one (game ranger and currently electrical engineering student) and an old friend/war buddy of mine Bambi (metro police biker/engineer/pilot) that contacted me today after about a year of radio silence**.

Oh well. Maybe it isn’t so much my taste in men as men’s taste in me :) .

Made the mistake of trawling Perfect Guy‘s mails***. My feelings (or severe lack thereof) in comparison makes it seem as if I have the depth and strength of purpose of an autumn leaf. But on the other hand, look at what that love got me…Yeah. Going to stop thinking about that now.

I get to go to MM and The Original Camel Man‘s place tomorrow /YAY. I love that place and those people, it is my haven and my refuge.

1. Word of the day: fidelity

2. Insight of the day: I am not who he wants and yet I can be no one else.

3. State of the pool:  Sloshed Earl Grey about to be divined.

4. Random thought: Wouldn’t it be awesome if you can get sleep pills that are like vitamins. So instead of sleeping you just take a pill or if you didn’t sleep enough you get some Supplement S.

5. Awesomest lines: An excerpt from one of Perfect Guy’s mails -

Miss the mountains too. Oh to just be… and be and be. I want to bottle the breeze Harry Potter style so that when you open it, it wafts for a good hour and a half out of the bottle. The scent, green and fresh laced with a pending storm, and as you said weather has been playing along quite well in that regard. I have on occasion just felt the need to drive, which I have done. R21 and in the dark you can imagine fields upon fields running in either direction, until the arced beam of headlight from the oncoming traffic burns away the dream like mist in the sun. But worth it none the less.

6. Scripture lines:

Fire and Brimstone preacher called Paul Washer that describes

Imagine this. Here stands God on the day of creation.

He looks at stars that could swallow up a thousand of our suns. He looks at them and He says, “All you stars, move yourself to this place and start in this order and move in a circle, and move exactly as I tell you until I give you another word.” And they all obey him.

He says, “Planets, pick yourself up and whirl. Make this formation at My command until I give you another word.”

He looks at mountains and he says, “Be lifted up,” and they obey Him.

He tells valleys, “Be cast down,” and they obey Him.

He looks at the sea and says, “You will come this far and no further” and the sea obeys,

and then He looks at you and says, “Come.”

And you go, “No!”

* You know the look I mean.The kind of guy who has a torch/CPR kit in his car and actually uses it. Open face, broad shoulders, good bearing.  A grown up Jasper.

**I’ve missed him. We have known each other all of our adult lives and have been there for some of the most intense and life changing experiences of our lives, including a few near death ones :). I’m so grateful he is back /grin

***Where all of this got started.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

Russian Mafia Guy is pretty irrevocably in love, and that is awesome :). What is not so awesome is the radio silence. I am not impressed. I get that new couples get all lost in each other and the smugness of finding True Love but dear lord people….and the worst part is if I pursue this I will look jealous. Which I am not, I just miss him. He is my person and now he can’t even be bothered to reply to an sms. Whatever. At least CC, even if he has also found his TL, still speaks to me even if he is in Bahrain.

I’m being a cow though. I would probably do exactly the same when I find him. So, sorry RMG. Enjoy. Be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. Love you, my heartfriend.

In other news, I’m making life quite twisty for myself. Can’t say much but Wednesday’s The Black Cat Bones gig at Tings should be…interesting /grin.

1. Word of the day: grrrr

2. Insight of the day: Atkins with all the cream and cheese and stuff…nice but sometimes a bit much *looks quite green about the gills*

3. State of the pool: Icky cheap wine

4. Random thought: How come Americans are so mean? Reality shows like Last Comic Standing and the loved ones episodes of Survivor season make me gasp in empathy.

5. Awesomest lines: No brainer today. Cassander on Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock. Seriously. I know I’ve said this before but man, if I had half this guy’s talent I would be jubilant and not a little arrogant.

6. Scripture lines: Romans 6 (New International Version)

¹¹In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. ¹²Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. ¹³Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. ¹⁴For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.

I dreamt of being love. I dreamt that we were standing in each other. Your left hand fitted perfectly in the knuckle duster handle of my hips and your right encompassed my back,  your fingers crossed the meniscus of my skull and fused with my brain. My hands enclosed your spinal column, nerve filaments spliced and endlessly replicating. We shared ribs, a heart and lungs. We/I breathed love.

…This either means that I have a pretty graphically anatomic view of love or, that I am a narcissist par excellence >.<.

1. Word of the day: inexorable

2. **Insight of the day: Why is it that being soaked in the maybe of something is more delicious than the reality of it?

3. State of the pool: Still clarity with the odd ripple of reflection.

4. Random thought: Almost all compliments I receive have a modifier attached to it: “sexy bitch”, “dark angel” not to mention getting Poison dedicated to yours truly a few times to many >.<

5. Awesomest lines:

As much as you can

And if you can’t shape your life the way you want,
at least try as much as you can
not to degrade it
by too much contact with the world,
by too much activity and talk.

Try not to degrade it by dragging it along,
taking it around and exposing it so often
to the daily silliness
of social events and parties,
until it comes to seem a boring hanger-on.

Constantine P Cavafy

*Summertime -  I will always prefer the Billy Holiday version. There is something to be said for a fey soul like that singing a George Gershwin tune.

©2010 Feylian's World. All Rights Reserved.