As you know: I love what I do and the company that allows me to do so. However, currently thinking of my future  makes me feel like my ribs are being rythmically and methodically pounded by a few million nanotech hammers. Every day I have less breathing space and this is not because my Wonderbra has decided to go Austen on me and has surreptiously turned into a full-bring-on-the-smelling-salts-corset*.

No, it is because I’m neither an employee nor an owner. The 3 non members have almost all the responsibility and stress of keeping the company afloat and almost none of the traditional perks of being an employee. Now this is incredibly freeing but it inevitably leads to wanting a slice of the awesome you help to create.

I wish they would make up their minds already. All we can do is ask. If it is no then so be it, but these endless meetings where we are ever more like whiny girlfriends begging for a wedding date is starting to get old. Please note that it is hardly fun for the members, the difference is that they are holding the ring. Having power you see, is a like a owning a panther with a bladder infection.

To continue with the blendy metaphors: Why marry someone if you don’t know if they are (lookit mom, restraint) good cooks and why whip up that 7 layered hazelnut parfait if they are not willing to marry you?***

On the other hand maybe I am just not seeing it. Maybe I am so blinded by the thought of being equal and really heard that I am missing something. Maybe I am made to be an employee, someone to be herded and shaved to the bone every now and again.

Spoke the Him last night about where we see our careers are going and I know exactly what I want to do. I want a few programmers like The Architect**, Boaz and Poet Programmer as well as a delightful venture capitalist with an avuncular interest in innovation & automation to mentor and fund us for a few months.

One tiny problem with this. Well, 2. #1: What about my current company? and #2: how will my brand new sticky pink lurve survive 72 x (14h x 365d)? The answer for both is not looking rosy folks. Actually it looks decidedly on the dried blood side of pink.

I really don’t  know how to go forward. I’ve had a crap load of deals collapse on me this year, mostly due to my not knowing enough in order to save it. In my defense I’d only been busy with this new career since January, which I have to shamefacedly admit is hardly a saving grace, and I did not receive support or training but that isn’t really an excuse either. I could have done more and now I have to eat my eggless omelet while waving at the basket which contained said yolky joy. So I can understand the reluctance to let me in kitchen to play at parfait. HOWEVER, I also know that I am bloody talented. And no one is more surprised at this than your author. It rocks finding something that you can really do and do well.

/SIGH

1. Word of the day: equal (The Sage: 1. having the requisite qualities or resources to meet a task, 2. having the same quantity, measure or value as another)

2. Insight of the day: I need a real holiday. I am tired and it’s not just from the perpetual lack of sleep :/

3. State of the pool: Troubled but clear

4. Joys of the day: 1. Rediscovering a playlist that I listened to exactly this time last year and being able to contrast one year with another, 2. Dreaming of waking up between Him and D, 3. flexitime which allows me to finish this blog and spend some real time with my son and finish my work tonight :)

5. Awesomest lines: Elsa Volschenk: so vind jy my

ek is nie opsoek na jou gretige belangstelling in my doen en late,
jou sout-van-die-aarde sjarme wat my jou ego gaan laat vaar tot ‘n mate nie

ek is nie opsoek na jou stukkie insig wat jy dink my gaan stimuleer
of jou diepste seer om my siels-empatie mee te infiltreer nie

ek is ook nie opsoek na jou prentjie droom wat jy hoop ons eendag sal wees nie

ek is eintlik net hier
vir jou

sonder al die dinge wat jy glo my gaan laat aanhou soek
vir daardie iemand

wat jy nie is nie

6. Scripture line: Ephesians 4 (NIV)

¹As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. ²Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. ³Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. ⁴There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— ⁵one Lord, one faith, one baptism; ⁶one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

*I swear it. It looks exactly like it used to but the wire seems to be boring into my ribs. Who needs a tracheotomy when you can just poke holes in your lungs with underwire…rattling breath death by a housekeeper with an agenda. Perhaps I should explain to her that D’s inheritance is not yet all that and machine washing underwear is not the most effective tool for instant wealth. Oh wow. She might have to wait longer than I thought. I don’t have a will…this is not good.

**Incredibly talented programmer that I worked with seamlessly and that was before I realised I can do what I now know I can.

***I.e. Why should they give us ownership if we haven’t “performed” and why should we “perform” if we don’t have ownership?

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 2:53 pm and is filed under Darkntwisty, YGM. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.