My soul is in turmoil. Or not turmoil so much as uncertain sloshing. I miss church. I miss fellowship. I miss being in love with my Saviour. I needed space but I got lost in all that I demanded. I decided that a training jet pack and some hours in the simulator would be more than sufficient for paddling in the void.

I have this horrible habit of falling right back into patterns of behaviour which I assume I can handle even when I know to the soles of my hobbit feet I can’t. I dunno. What now? All I know is that I feel adrift and the oxygen is dwindling if not already depleted…hey, lookit… stars :)

It’s so strange. Whenever I feel most lost my I(nner)Tunes play Sunday School hymns: I love you Lord, with all my heart, I worship you, o my soul rejoice, take joy my King in what you hear, let it be a sweet sweet sound in Your ear. Or the roundelay: The Lord has a will and I have a need, to follow that will, humbly be still, rest in it, nest in it,  following my Father’s will.

How do I do this? Can you long for a heaven you are not all that sure exists and still believe in the blood that cleansed you? How can you trust when all you know is flawed you?

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This entry was posted on Friday, August 14th, 2009 at 12:09 am and is filed under Faith. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.