Of one last stab at wallowing

I understand how being in pain can warp your spirit. I read about Nacho’s neuralgia years ago and read how it changed him but I have had only a few of experiences of true physical pain*. This dental thing gives me some inkling of why people suffering from chronic pain off themselves. I am so not ok that I burst into tears if someone just looks at me and my conflict resolution skills which are sucky** at the best of times, are now on the we-might-just-as-well-fire-her stage.

This is not so good considering the players: a deeply unhappy client who lies and thinks that imagined conversations are statements of work, a colleague who had major surgery about a week ago and a programmer who likes things in a very specific way. Luckily CC, Timo, WaWa and El the Legend are intervening. My respect and love for these people grow daily.

I know I seem about as admirable and heroic as a piece of yellow belly fur of the Wuss species found in Cowardia very far south of Bravery but yesterday snapped me like a twig. At some point my tear plumbing broke and I had little salty pools of cooling fear in my ears. I tried not to sob but whenever he brought the drill near me and that sound of the misery of a thousand wailing Nazi orphans hit my nerves, I wept. I was terrified and I walked out shaking like someone had assaulted me. The last time I felt as invaded and broken, I really had been.

And I get to go back. Yippee… In the mean time I am still in agony and am living on painkillers and alcohol. Kinda helping the diet so that rules.

I will stop whining soon I promise.

1. Word of the day: intemperance

2. Insight of the day: If you find a team that really makes you understand why people rave about “synergy ” make sure they know how awesome they are to you. Who knew teamwork could be so amazing.

3. State of the pool: Shameful, self pitying saline

4. Random thought: Not so random. John Mayer – Why Georgia. JM is better than Naproxen Sodium and that is saying something.

5. Awesomest lines: Perfect Guy sent me this on Sunday. Don’t know who/where it is from:

“…That is the extent of what I want now. To stand out in the open and look up at the immense blue sky above me, to gaze at the howling infinite once last time…”

6. Scripture lines: I was at Perfect Guy’s baptism on Sunday and it was unbelievably moving. Made me realise once again that I am not living it right. Grace is so powerful and so easy to confuse. I was driving in the car and stunned because I know that I don’t deserve such love.

Romans 10 (New Living Translation): ⁹ If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ¹⁰ For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved.

*True pain is almost always partnered with some form of violence whether it be on a cellular level like cancer or neuralgia or somatic like broken bones and being shot etc.

**I leave. El the Legend calls it “disengaging”. My exes call it “abandonment”. So if I stop arguing know that my bags are probably already in the idling car.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 28th, 2009 at 1:36 pm and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.