I feel discontented. I want to write but I don’t know what. I just know that if I don’t the words will ribbon my skin to escape. Writing isn’t so much a hobby or habit as it is a compulsion*. It staves off the chittering voices really, feeds them words and then they’re quiet for a little while. I’ve become irritable and snarky and all that seems to help is touch or writing and since we all know that touch is about as likely as me losing the far too many extra handfuls of self by the time I turn 30, that leaves writing.

Which is where the snag comes in. I have phrases swirling around me but nothing concrete and I don’t feel like being coherent or disciplined and writing a decently thought out ygm.

I don’t think I’m angry but I feel like I have been on fire and someone doused me with a chloroform soaked horse blanket. I feel like shaking every tiny young thing until their teeth rattle and then tossing them aside. Am I so hideous and old? Why is everyone better than me?

Ok so I am angry. Actually I am livid. And that is a hard colour to be when you are invisible. When did this horrible nothingness of being happen? Is a bit of warning too much to ask? Or is the sage wisdom of one’s elders considered warning enough? Please forgive me but I have a bit of trouble with accepting my fate. I am more than a little tired of kow towing to youth and its ever present request for flawlessness. Fuck this and fuck you. Fuck your shiny hair and bright smiles. Fuck your bubbly laughter and slim hips. Gouge out your eyes for looking at me and all of mine and not seeing us.

We know more than you. We have hard won experience. Battle scarred souls. What do you have? Other than a mouth so innocent and dirty that it makes them fall to their knees in front of your ignorant form.

Please don’t take me wrong. I love God and I know that this is not witnessing gentleness or love that so freely flows if only I’d accept it but sometimes it is cathartic to just say fuck it.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, June 4th, 2009 at 3:19 pm and is filed under Rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.