Well, this sucks. As in love with you as I might have been, and that dream notwithstanding, my heart never beat faster at the thought of your touch. I knew it would not happen so I didn’t even consider it. My love for you was “pure”. I was the knight and you the chalice* and chalices hardly has “known to provide an excellent cuddle” on their attributes list.

This young man however…he reminds me quite a bit of Nacho physically. Red hair, light eyes, nice hands and these mindbogglingly lovely vertical dimples. He is very clever and conversation is engaging. He actually cares about what is happening in the world and deems himself a truth seeker with a penchant for the darkntwisty (a Tim Burton fan who enjoyed Waking Life) oh, and he is a superb photographer. A kind, humble guy who loves God** and the thought of whose touch I wanted so much that I could trace the imagined touch on my burning palms and I would see/feel his hands cradling my head and feel his kiss on my temple.

Whenever I am around him I have the slow electrical burn in my left arm***, my heart flutters in my throat and I cannot stop smiling. All textbook body signs of a dopamine high.

So, of course Addiction enters stage right. All of the above sounds innocent and most people would scoff but to me they are the equivalent of a crack sandwich.

I have no wish to commit or even be in a relationship just for its own sake. Should I meet The Guy then I will consider marriage. I know this young man could be TG, but also that he is not, which means taking it any further would have been foolish and irresponsible. And since I am no longer a kid, and I cannot pretend that touch means nothing, I had to tell him all that. Which brings us right back to the suckiness of this Sunday.

1.    Word of the day: dagnammit
2.    Insight of the day: Making the right decision sometimes makes you want to stab yourself in the eye with a sidewalk
3.    State of the pool: limpid and rebellious
4.    Random thought: may Microsoft’s update team all be struck by an overwhelming desire to eat cream cakes which will make them fat and unattractive for at least a week or so, for sending out updates of 285mb. Grrrr…
5.    Awesomest lines: Not lines so much as a short story still in progress about a boy with a golden heart written by a friend of mine in Jeffreys Bay. It is the most beautiful thing I’ve read in ages and I will send you the link as soon as he publishes.
6.    Scripture line: Oh Romans 5 1-5. I will get that tattooed on my inside right wrist so that I can remember it. Maybe it will be burned into my field of vision and so sink into my malnourished soul where it will make a palpable difference.

* Oh I know how unhappy you will be about that simile but that’s how it was. Sorry /hug
** Or at least believes that the Bible is the living word of God. But then again if you believe you cannot help yourself but to love too.
*** Which is exactly the same as the start of an anxiety attack which in itself requires a medical professional to declare it different from a heart attack

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This entry was posted on Sunday, May 10th, 2009 at 3:13 pm and is filed under Love or lack of love. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.