Of tangents and fever pitched pace

I feel as if I’m in the eye of a word storm. That if I so much as blink the consonants will cut, the vowels masticate, the words swallow and the sentences digest me. I know that the ideas will then reconstitute me but I don’t know if I have the courage to move.

I love reading. I am an utter logophile and am now becoming a Logophile* but at the moment I have a stack of about a meter of books (not kidding) that I have to work through. So of course, me being the procrastinator that I am, instead of reading the stuff that will change me I read amazing blogs (Nacho, Emma, Cassander). I’ve had such awesome exposure to postmodernist literature** from the originals -Burroughs, Heller, Vonnegut, Pynchon to the new generation guys who twirl words like wands – David Foster Wallace, Dave Eggers, Zadie Smith, Neil Gaiman, Mark Leyner, Mark Z. Danielewski and William Gibson. All of them who write so well that I am left shaking and consumed with envious awe.

I want to be a writer but in order to do that you have to think only of writing. Your every thought must be geared towards it. As with anything it takes work and dedication to be good. And in the case of the authors above: work and mind boggling talent.

The talk with the landpeople did not go nearly as I thought it would – imminent eviction and harsh words of criticism – they are just worried about me. The weird thing that surfaced was that they think I don’t know who I am. Other than a wobble at 20 I’ve always known who I am. There is no flaky, crystal toting metaphysical search for self. I know who/what I am – faults, joys, quirks, brokenness and awesomeness. I know that what those who don’t know me perceive as “people pleasing”, is me showing love by serving. I firmly believe that you must be a little in love with anyone with whom you choose to spend time. Otherwise what is the point of conversation? Delving into someone and truly knowing who they are is precious. Anything else is wasteful of your time and theirs.

I understand what they mean though. I need to be less /BOUNCE around those who don’t know me. Toning down, chilling out. No more fever pitched quiet interspersed with manic outpourings of Gilmore Girl type conversation. I need to talk more with those around me.

Oh and seeing you is wonderful and the worst kind of torture. I am never going to get over you like this. It especially doesn’t help that the most natural thing is to find each other’s eyes in a group conversation and you mention little things that you know only I will know and find funny. Small things, indeed. Do you torture yourself too? Or is it just me so desperately wishing that it may be true that I am seeing more than is there…again?

You are so beautiful to me that just knowing that you are a few feet away from me is enough to make me feel whole. It seems I just need you around and then being aware of my surroundings is no problem at all. I’m going to have to pray this idiocy away. He created the universe, I’m sure it will be no problem to make the love go away either.

1. Word of the day: jubilant

2. Insight of the day: Very few people are tuned in.

3. State of the pool: utter, joyful relief rippling through the pool like waves of pethidine after breaking a bone

4. Random thought: I’m getting ADSL at home.

5. Awesomest lines: “Milo was here all along. They picked him up Thursday morning but the lady in the front office wrote the wrong month on his form”

6. Scripture line: Ephesians 4

²⁹Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ³⁰And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³²Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

*John 1:1 :)…Hey. Halland’s Law applies everywhere.

**Thanks to Matt who now no longer speaks to me…Man I wish I could fix it.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009 at 2:43 pm and is filed under YGM. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.